As the sun rose Thursday morning, a quiet peace fell upon the hamlet of Boulder. For the first time in decades perhaps the first time ever children played without worry, elderly women walked the streets without fear. The scourge of upholstered furniture was finally wiped from our streets.
Boulder's new sofa ordinance went into effect Thursday, completely eliminating any chance of future college riots. The city ordinance bans any upholstered furniture from being kept outdoors in the area near the CU campus known as The Hill. The official reason for this selective law is to eliminate the fuel for bonfires and riots. Given its great success, the city is now considering banning pants pockets to end shoplifting.
Of course, a handful of anarchists continue to scream, "When sofas are banned, only outlaws will have sofas!" Fortunately these extremists are drowned out by the common sense of our leaders. Public safety comes first in Boulder. There is no need for outdoor upholstered furniture in our city, especially the highly dangerous assault-furniture, with its spring-loaded mechanisms, which has become the recliner of choice for drug dealers.
Other towns may mock Boulder's strong stance against outdoor furniture, but they have never seen the ugliness and carnage when a drunk frat boy burns one of his eyebrows while trying to ignite his La-Z Boy. How many other college towns must witness the horror of blistered fingers and the stench of melting polyester before they too stop the madness?
Most historians agree the beer riots that plagued the CU area were among the worst and most deadly riots in American history. Arnold Pinknell, assistant associate professor of Group Intoxication Studies for the Memphis College of Bartending said of the Hill riots, "In most academic circles, the 1943 Detroit race riots and the Watts riots were considering big, but when three blotto CU students lit a 20-year-old sofa on fire in Boulder, the history books were thrown out the window."
Despite millions of dollars spent on fierce lobbying and publicity campaigns from furniture manufacturers in recent years, the link between couches left outside and riots can no longer be denied. After years of TV advertisements showing beautiful women in bikinis flocking around drunk guys who light furniture ablaze, the Pavlovian drive to start riots is clear.
Boulder's political leaders have keen insights into human motivation. Being proven right that Boulderites would never travel to neighboring cities to shop at big-box stores, the City Council knew that breaking the connection between old sofas and porches was key in the war against stupid drunken kids.
Some cynics say that an intoxicated young male hell-bent on burning his sofa in the street might go the extra 10 feet and actually drag it out of his living room if he can't find it on his porch. But that's just crazy talk. And still others with no understanding of the criminal mind suggest that since public drunkenness, rioting, and burning furniture in the street is already illegal, that those laws should be enforced instead of dictating what free people can sit on when out on their own porch.
And then there are the conspiracy nuts. These whacked-out ACLU types say that city ordinances should include the entire city, not just the Hill, and be enforced evenly across the population. While it's true that not even one city council member lives in the area were they enacted the ban, there is nothing wrong with politicians passing laws that don't apply to them.
Keeping the ban area-specific makes sense. Critics don't understand that once an individual drags his sofa across Ninth Street, he instantly becomes responsible enough to keep it on his porch. If folks in say north Boulder had to live by the same laws that might be, well, inconvenient.
These conspiracy freaks don't even recognize the extreme danger of unregulated outdoor furniture. They think this is just a clever way for the city to rid the Hill of an eyesore old couches on porches. They don't realize that Boulder is a diverse and tolerant community that celebrates everyone's lifestyle. Even if many don't like the sight of that furniture, Boulderites would never use covert means to take away people's choices. It's the danger of upholstery that calls for this small reduction of property rights.
I for one will sleep better at night knowing that upholstered furniture is locked up and not roaming our streets. Does anyone know how well trash cans burn?
Jon Caldara is president of the Independence Institute in Golden. He lives in Boulder.
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